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Your Children Deserve It | Psalms 127Posted by: Stan 5/2/2012 @ 8:30am 
God designed you for romance because it's part of His nature, and you were made (created) in His image. Romantic adventure is woven into the very fabric of the Bible, and it's written on your heart. God's plan for me after 50Posted by: Stan 4/25/2012 @ 1:15pm Turning 50 is certainly a milestone. It's amazing to realize there's no "history" from God's perspective - only ours. Events of life don't surprise Him. He's seen it all and knows how it will end. So as I start out on the trail today I'm taking one step at a time, following His path wherever He leads, through faith. I've spent half my life married to the most amazing woman ever created! And I plan to continue building a legacy (history) with her until my last breath. I'm sure the journey will have unexpected challenges, pains, & sorrows. Forgiveness, grace, and mercy must be my constant companions in the form of giving as well as receiving. But Oh the joy of a life filled with no regrets, no turning back, no giving up, and finishing the course He prepared for me. It may not be neat, organized, clean, and pretty in the eyes of the world. It may require great sacrifice, hardship, and suffering. There may be difficult terrain to cross, and seemingly insurmountable odds to overcome. But through His power I will be sustained. Through His power flowing through my veins I will go on. Through His power I will one day hear Jesus say, "Well done my good and faithful servant"! Not by my strength, but His. Is Love in your marriage?Posted by: Stan 4/6/2012 @ 5:00pm I write a lot about "love" in the marriage relationship. When we hear the word we often think about the feeling of love between husband & wife. Sometimes it's there, sometimes it's not. "Good Friday" is only good because Jesus Christ died for me and you. By His act of love He made it possible for each of us to live and love. He set the supreme example by which we are to love each other [John 13:35]. So I say "is Love in your marriage"? Is Christ in your marriage? Without the person & power of Jesus Christ in your life and your marriage, it's impossible to really love with honesty and abandon. I say it's impossible to truly be "naked and unashamed" [Genesis 2:25]. Christ offers the free gift of salvation to all who ask [Romans 10:9-11]. If you need Christ; if you want Him to guide your life and marriage, ask Him now to forgive you. Place your faith in Him alone and trust Him to be the only God of your life. Jesus went to a horrible cross out of love for a people that didn't love Him back. Sometimes we wake up and we don't feel in love with our spouse. Sometimes we don't feel loved by our spouse. But through Jesus' power living in us, we have the choice to love whether we feel like it or not. We have the choice to move toward oneness and away from isolation. And we can do it, because He did it! Get "Love" in your marriage and experience a transformation today. If you need help with this decision, please contact me or Patty. We'd love to hear from you and talk with you about your decision. Can "Romance" be a spiritual thing?Posted by: Stan 2/3/2012 @ 3:15pm You bet it can! It only took God 55 verses to establish sex in the Bible. As Moses so eloquently pens the Word of God, "...a man leaves his father and mother and embraces his wife. They become one flesh (intercourse). The two of them, the Man and his Wife, were naked, but they felt no shame." [Gen 2:24-25 The Message]There are over 31,000 verses in the Bible which was written over a period of thousands of years. Yet God introduces sex between husband & wife within the first two chapters of the book! The word "oneness" is used here to describe unity between man & woman in body, mind, and soul. God is using this union to illustrate the unity He desires between Himself and the church (or His children, that would be us). God celebrates unity in this way and is encouraging each one who is married to do the same. The Apostle Paul puts it this way; "Mostly what God does is love you. Keep company with him and learn a life of love. Observe how Christ loved us. His love was not cautious but extravagant...Love like that." [Ephesians 5:1-2 The Message] So go ahead, be shameless when it comes to loving your spouse! Passionately pour yourself into the relationship, because relationship is all it's about. God desires relationship, and He's cheering for you! 
Walk with me on the Trail of Freedom!Posted by: Stan 1/27/2012 @ 4:30pm 15 years ago my marriage was stale. Then God revealed His grace through Jesus' work on the cross, and I chose the risky path of freedom. Ephesians 2:8-9 confirmed for me that my position with God did not rely on my "good works". Jesus' finished work on the cross purchased complete freedom for me to do whatever I want to do. Does that shock you?If it weren't true, there would be no value to His death and resurrection. His work would be compared to my own "works of righteousness"! If you're God's child you can experience real life with complete freedom. It's not a safe venture, it's a living adventure! On the path are difficult choices to be made because you no longer live by a set of rules. The check list of do's and don'ts won't help you on this trail. When you set out on the trail of freedom, the Holy Spirit becomes your guide John 16:12-15. Stop being a slave to mediocrity. Be brave and say goodbye to the status quo. Walk with me on the trail of freedom and start enjoying the life He bought for you!
Where does your marriage fall in your list of priorities?Posted by: Stan 1/16/2012 @ 6:35pm If you're like me it can easily be pushed down the list under everything else. Before you realize it, you're disconnected and swamped by all kinds of responsibilities that are very important like your job, children, or ministry. All these are legitimate parts of everyday life that require our investment of time and money. But the fact is, couples are just not investing in their own marriage any more. Our attention is increasingly drawn away from the relationship."Okay, the wedding's over, now lets get to work. There's no time for 'us'". Distractions and responsibilities bombard us to the point of interrupting even the unconscious. Insomnia is widespread in our society. Maybe it's crept into your own household. Mental restlessness is an illness that's taking over, and Satan's disrupting method is being ignored to put it lightly. Just take a look at the social media posts between midnight and 5am to get an idea. Prescription medicine seems to be the only answer for a culture that unapologetically "never sleeps". God rested on the seventh day, but we don't have time for that… Standing here 37 stories above the city of Atlanta with my lovely bride on our annual Christmas getaway, I reflect on the emotions this season brings to my heart. Certainly I'm blessed to even be standing here enjoying the fantastic view of the city adorned in holiday lights and decorations. This afternoon we could see into the foothills of the North Georgia Mountains. It's beautiful from this vantage point. We've learned over the years how beneficial a trip away from home can be to the health of our marriage relationship. During high stress times and bloated schedules communication becomes non-existent. So we get away; anywhere away from distractions and responsibilities. The disturbances incessantly seem to overwhelm and choke our ability to reasonably connect. For example, have you noticed how many restaurants have TV's strategically placed in your line of sight…right behind your spouse who is sitting across the table ready to share the events of her day? You went there to connect, but you can't even hear each other speak. The Apostle Peter paints the picture in hi-definition for us, "The Devil is poised to pounce, and would like nothing better than to catch you napping." [1Pet 5:8 The Message]. He (the Devil) is always working behind the curtain to frustrate, disturb, and annoy. The ESV describes Satan's motion as "prowling", like a lion. His actions are seldom obvious, but discreet. I like to watch the Discovery Channel. Picture in your mind a lion on the African plain stalking his prey from the tall grass. Like the lion's prey, we become anxious, sleepless, restless, and frankly quite irritable. We're nervous, like the small rodent scurrying under the watchful eye of the Hawk who is gliding in the air above. We're fearful like the small minnow peering out from under a rock as the large mouth bass lumbers by, seeking whom he may devour. How do we become so uneasy under the protection of The Almighty God? We're Christians aren't we? He (God) said in Hebrews 13:6 "I'll never let you down, never walk off and leave you." Yet we're restless and anxious, sleep eludes us. Those long deep conversations we once had with the one we love - they cease from our lives. We're tired and exhausted from meetings and schedules, and from reminders that pop up on our smart phones. So the dream of intimate heartfelt oneness seems to have been a fairytale after all - we think. The little voice in our head subtly announces, "Real oneness will never materialize in my marriage." There's no time to talk because "the kids have soccer practice from 4-6, and there's too much to do after that, and I like to watch the news and our favorite TV show, and when I get in bed I'm exhausted, and I have to go to work tomorrow and…and…and…" So the agreement is made with the little voice and the culture was right when it said marriage is not "happily ever after". I ask myself the question we all want to know. "Where does this anxious lifestyle originate, and how can I relax?" The best answer is found in the scriptures. Returning to 1 Peter 5:6, I see that my anxiety results from a lack humility "under the mighty hand of God". Basically, we're insecure creatures trusting in our own feeble strengths and wisdom to navigate the spiritual minefield we call Christian life. It's a "trust" issue for me with God, and the symptom is a lack of communication with my wife. Diagnosis…I've lost my connection with Christ. To the couples that know what I'm talking about I say congratulations, and welcome to the minority. The first step to healing any disease is diagnosing the problem. 1 Peter 5:6 says, "Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you." [ESV] God will not change me without a desire in me to change. I must humble myself before God and give Him my anxieties. Then He will take them and I will feel relaxed. And then I can communicate with Christ – and then I can communicate with my wife, and feel connected to her. So how do I get there? How do I get to that point spiritually where I can listen to God in humility and hand over my anxieties? It's called "investment". Sometimes it takes extra money put away; other times it can be a picnic or walk in the park. There's no formula for investing with God. You just find a way. The key I found is to take time alone first with God, and then time alone with my spouse. It's an investment of prayer with God, and prayer with my spouse. I can't expect to enjoy real, intimate communication with my spouse, without real, intimate communication with my Lord. My time in prayer diminishes my insecurities by making a connection between my spirit and His Spirit. My desires align with His [Mark 14:36], and my anxiousness is relieved. My spirit becomes calm and I realize He's in control. Restfulness replaces restlessness and I can sleep. I get there by making prayer a priority and investing in my marriage. Where does your marriage fall on the list? What are your spouse's expectations about your sexual relationship?Posted by: Stan 11/14/2011 @ 5:35pm Can you answer that question? Those of us who've been married for more than a year should be able to rattle off two or three words describing our spouse's top sexual expectations without missing a beat. But if you need help, here are 5 basic principles to getting answers.Basic Principle #1: Communication is a key element to having an extraordinary sex life. "The right word at the right time is like a custom-made piece of jewelry, and a wise friend's timely reprimand is like a gold ring slipped on your finger." Proverbs 25:11-12 [The Message] If you're not talking about it (more than just primordial moans and sighs), you're most likely missing some of the important ingredients that make up your spouse's complete sexual experience; and vice versa. Basic Principle #2: Be proactive and start the conversation. Be a leader. "Like the horizons for breadth and the ocean for depth, the understanding of a good leader is broad and deep." Proverbs 25:3 [The Message] If you're having trouble talking about it, pick a quiet time when you're relaxed and free from distractions; maybe over coffee at your local coffee shop. The other patrons will wonder how you can be so "in" to each other. Start off with a simple question like this: "Honey, because I love you so much, I want you to help me understand you better. My desire is for you to experience great sex inside the protection of our marriage relationship. What are some expectations you have when it comes to sex?" You'll have little resistance to the question when your motive is to please your spouse and meet his/her needs above your own. Basic Principle #3: Listen to your spouse. This could be the most important principle to experiencing extraordinary sex in marriage. "…let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak…" James 1:19 [ESV] Don't just ask the question and forget to listen to your spouse's response. Be sure you understand not only the words, but listen to their emotional feelings. Listen for statements like, "I really feel loved when you caress my ____________." Or, "You make me melt when you kiss my ___________." Statements like "When you _____________ it just makes me feel so loved, like I'm the priority" are like gold in the ears of a good listener. Also be ready to receive criticism with humility. Don't be surprised to find out things you've been doing are not that pleasurable to your spouse. Remember it's a learning experience. Be a student of your spouse's sexual expectations and desires by listening well! Basic Principle #4: Practice what you've learned. The worst thing a spouse can do is… nothing, after a conversation like this. "Don't fool yourself into thinking that you are a listener when you are anything but, letting the Word go in one ear and out the other. Act on what you hear! Those who hear and don't act are like those who glance in the mirror, walk away, and two minutes later have no idea who they are, what they look like." James 1:22-24 [The Message] Just like follow through is an essential element to throwing a baseball or football, follow-through is imperative when it comes to sex! The scripture reference is talking about hearing the Word of God. However, it's safe to say that we are to treat our spouse's words with the same respect. Take what you learn, practice it, and make sure your spouse gets to cross the finish line (if you know what I mean). Nothing say's "I don't care about your feelings" more than asking your spouse what they want, only to ignore or forget about the request shortly thereafter. Basic Principle #5: Refer back to Principles 1-4. A good student asks questions often and keeps abreast of the latest trends. Married sex can get boring believe it or not. Change up the routine every now and then. Ask each other if they're satisfied with the "same ole' - same ole'". Chances are if you're honest with each other, something new would be a welcome addition to the normal repertoire'. Need some inspirational passion for your sex life together as husband and wife? Read the entire book of Song of Solomon together. You'll never be disappointed when following God's advice! "...And The Pursuit of Her Happiness"Posted by: Stan 11/8/2011 @ 5:15pm No, I'm not always smiling and happy like the photos I post on Facebook. If you know me well, you know I'm pretty boring and serious most of the time. I struggle with many pressures, insecurities, anger, and temptations just like most men. But I'm committed to the pursuit of pleasing my wonderful wife Patty with every bit of life I have. I'm committed to her happiness instead of my own. And when I say "happiness" I'm talking about an emotional satisfaction in her heart. I'm speaking of a happiness that all her physical needs are being cared for by God through me, as best I can.That's my #1 ambition. And that's what makes me happy. Do I fail? Absolutely I fail, and very often. But I believe that if I love her with and for all my life, I'm pleasing God with my life, and He'll take care of the rest. I believe that if I fall short in this pursuit, or if I lose heart and quit, I'm giving up on God's love and promise never to give up on me. If I put my needs, dreams, hobbies, career, and interests above her needs, wants, and desires, then I've made myself more important than her. You see, Jesus loves me by pursuing me unconditionally in my sinfulness and expects me to love my wife by pursuing her… also without condition. And in case you were wondering, this loving pursuit is exactly how we get closer to God. It's how we serve God in the flesh. And for married couples, it's the very starting point for "loving your neighbor as yourself." MK 12:31 No, it's really not about our happiness; it's all about His holiness. But by desiring my wife's happiness instead of my own, I'm placing her above and in place of myself, which in turn reflects God's holiness. Ephesians 5:1-2 says, "Follow God's example, therefore, as dearly loved children and walk in the way of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God." The Message I admit, I fail miserably sometimes and selfishness takes over… for a time. Thank God I have a very forgiving wife. But unless I make this my ambition, success is like trying to throw darts at a target that's always moving away. God calls every Christian to "love, just as Christ loved us". Are you giving yourself up for your spouse? For Him there was no turning back when facing the cross. For Him He chose you and me over all the glories of Heaven. He chose us instead of all that! I ask you, are you choosing your spouse's happiness instead of your own? Have you decided that your spouse's happiness is all that satisfies you, over all the glories (pleasures) of this life? Will you join me and countless others in this pursuit of placing your spouse's needs above your own? MEN of WAR!Posted by: Stan 9/15/2011 @ 12:10pm MEN! There's a WAR raging for your Marriage and Family! Your wife may fight whether you do or not, but God calls MEN to lead the family! Wake Up and get in the battle. If there's ANY HOPE of success we must LEAD! Satan's manipulating men everywhere (especially Christians) to be distracted by TV, computers, movies, gaming, careers, and spectator sports. He's got us on the sidelines, ineffective to muster a defense of the ones we love and have sworn to protect. Marriages are dying from starvation while we cheer our favorite team to victory! I implore Men Everywhere to take the challenge and die to self, as an act (or choice) of loving your wife and children. Get on the field of battle and fight now.Put down the toys, and take up the sword! "When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I gave up childish ways." [1Cor 13:11 ESV] Invest in your marriage. It's not easy and you will take on battle damage; But remember what's at stake is your marriage and children! "Among those who belong to Christ, everything connected with getting our own way and mindlessly responding to what everyone else calls necessities is killed off for good – crucified." Galatians 5:24 [The Message] Be Her Hero...Pick Up Your Socks!Posted by: Stan 8/25/2011 @ 8:20pm You've heard me say this before. For most husbands it's easy to say "I'll lay down my life for my wife & kids". We want to be their "hero", right? William Wallace comes to mind riding into camp to save his bride. At the most critical time he pulls his sword and commences to slay every enemy within the camp. Pulling into the garage after work we step out of the Honda (with that swagger) like we're "The Duke" dismounting his horse. Entering the house (it's our castle, right?), we sashay over & wrap her up in our arms (the prey is captured!). She's instantly ready to jump in bed, right...NOT!We men try to be the hero by providing for our families, taking them to church, coaching the youth baseball team, helping the little old lady next door, and every now & again even pray with our family. Those are highly commendable values and should be encouraged...But why is it SO hard to pick up our socks? Guys, prepare her for intimacy by picking up your socks..., or vacuuming the house, bathing the kids, or washing the dishes! Make it a habit, not just when you want sex. We're "always ready", so take time to prepare (her) for intimacy. "Husbands, go all out in your love for your wives, exactly as Christ did for the church—a love marked by giving, not getting. Christ's love makes the church whole. His words evoke her beauty. Everything he does and says is designed to bring the best out of her, dressing her in dazzling white silk, radiant with holiness. And that is how husbands ought to love their wives. They're really doing themselves a favor—since they're already 'one' in marriage." Ephesians 5:25-28 The Message Retired - What will I Do?Posted by: Stan 7/30/2011 @ 7:30am To all Gwinnett Fire personnel and retirees:As is natural by habit, curiosity, or envy, many of you with whom I've spoken over the past several weeks have asked about what I'm going to do when I retire. I have found that until you have the opportunity to retire, settle on a date, and take the plunge, it's somewhat difficult to understand what it really feels like. After 24 years of service, I'm certain the next season of my life will be filled with triumphs and trials alike. That's life, and I'm also sure that I have a lot to learn about retirement. I'm thankful to have worked for an employer that made this possible at such a young age, and to all those who have gone before me… you deserve it. The firefighter's career is like no other and should not be compared to any other occupation. It's dangerous and filled with risk; yet, so many of us gladly take that risk to help our fellow man. That's the firefighter's nature, one of selflessness and servant hood. It's filled with sacrifice being away from family, working on holidays, losing sleep, and missing out on special events. And, it's a unique opportunity to work with some of the real heroes of our great society; the few who have truly put their lives on the line for the sake of helping others. It's a once in a lifetime opportunity to create friendships that endure through the good, the bad, and the ugly of life. When it's all said and done, those friendships are the most important thing I'll carry away from this career. So, to answer the question that everyone wants to know, here it is in three parts. First, I want to spend more time with my sweet wife Patty, the love of my life. We look forward to enjoying more time with our children and family. Second, Patty and I have been blessed with 25 years of marriage, 5 children (including 1 daughter in-law), and hearts that desire oneness instead of isolation. Take my word for it; we are far from the "perfect couple", but over the past 15 years or so God has been preparing us for marriage ministry. We don't have all the answers… we simply advocate for marriage as instituted by God in Genesis 2:23-24. We strive to fulfill this 'calling' by mentoring couples, facilitating marriage studies, and hosting special couple's events in our community. Our desire is to reach as many couples as possible with the message that marriage is good, enjoyable, fulfilling, exciting, and most of all honors God. Third, my family has been blessed with the opportunity to invest in commercial real estate beginning with my Grandfather in the early 1940's. So, I will be spending more time handling these affairs through working closely with my father, brother, and sister. Thank you for your friendship. Thank you all for watching my back throughout the years. I have never been injured in this job. Thank you for your patience and grace when I didn't deserve it. Most importantly, be safe and take care of each other. Go home to your families when the job is done. I will do my best to keep in touch. You're friend, Stan Stokes Why did God make husbands and wives so different?Posted by: Patty 7/15/2011 @ 2:00pm We come from homes with different baggage, traditions, personalities, genders, maybe even different cultures or races. We may both be Christians and yet are at different places in our spiritual walk. How does God expect two completely different people to live together "till death do us part," when it seems like we came from two different planets? Is there purpose in the differences? You bet there is! God never does anything without purpose behind it. I believe our differences are the catalyst that compels us as a couple to become more like Christ, and move toward oneness. If Christ is the center of our marriage, then each time we compromise, sacrifice, understand, or give unconditionally to our spouse we have become a little more like Christ. If we spend our lifetime (till death do us part) understanding and becoming more like Christ, we will without a doubt begin to dispel a lot of the differences we have. God does have purpose in everything He does. His purpose is that we become more like Him. Being Christlike in the way we live and love all men, especially our spouse, will bring glory and honor to Him (Ephesians 5:1-2, and Mark 12:30,31). The more we move toward becoming like Christ and let go of our differences, the closer we will be to revealing the unconditional love of God to the world. Biblical Romance?Posted by: Stan 2/12/2011 @ 10:30am What does the Bible say about romance? Quite a lot! Read the book, "Song of Solomon". It gets pretty steamy starting with the 2nd verse of the book, when Solomon's lover exclaims... Shopping..."Whatever"Posted by: Stan 2/1/2011 @ 11:30pm Years ago Dad took my wife Patty, my sister, and my sister-in-law shopping right before Christmas. He actually drove to each of their houses and picked them up one by one. They went to whatever store they wanted (within reason of course), and were able to try on dresses, shoes, accessories, etc. until they found just the right item. He took them to lunch and just spent the afternoon with them. He made them feel special, beautiful, and above all, noticed. For a few years after that Patty would do her clothes shopping alone and pick out some nice outfits. When she arrived home she would try them on for me and ask the dreaded question, "honey, how do I look"? Of course I reacted as all guys do with the usual response… "baby you look great". Then I would get right back to the TV, computer, newspaper, or whatever. We had the average American marriage relationship. Soon after, inspired by my Dad's example, I began a tradition with Patty of taking her shopping at Christmas and on her birthday. But this time it was just me and her. At first she would try on a few outfits and I would mumble and fidget until she finally decided that I was too tired to go on. She had "shopped until I dropped". Nevertheless, with God's nudging I went again. Soon I found myself choosing outfits from the rack and asking her to try them on. No, she wouldn't have chosen the ones I chose if she was alone. I am a man and we men look at things differently. I see curves, she sees coverage. She reluctantly would enter the dressing room and put on the outfit. In a few minutes, after begging and pleading her to show herself, I would see her peeking out around the corner. One outfit at a time, one by one she would notice my excitement and enthusiasm over her beautiful form as she gracefully modeled before me. Slowly she began to feel the sincere praise I was giving her and understand that her love tank was being filled. She began to accept that our connection was being strengthened by the experience. It takes a lot of trust for a woman to accept praise because there is so little truth today. The world is constantly telling a woman she is not beautiful and she does not measure up. Husbands are called to convince our wives that she is beautiful. And by the way guys, it's a good idea to allow your wife to shop for lingerie on her own. Encourage her to choose something she's comfortable in (Ladies – No "onesies" please). Most women feel vulnerable and discreet about their un-covered bodies, unlike the scantily clad fashion and lingerie models gracing the pages of magazines and catalogs. So give your wife some grace and be patient. Protect her feelings and show strength in this area. Don't be selfish when it comes to the adornment of your precious wife. I think since then Patty has tried on hundreds of dresses, shirts, pants, shorts, scarves, belts, and yes jewelry for me to admire over the years. When we shop now she doesn't even pick anything out, she just walks into the dressing room and waits for me to bring armloads of clothes. Most store clerks and other shoppers smile or laugh at me as I shower my wife with attention and praise. One Christmas I bought about four dresses and had them boxed up and wrapped with pretty paper and bows. I placed the gifts under the tree for her to unwrap, all the while knowing that three of them were going back to the store. But I got to see her dress up and model them for me. She was delighted to see my positive reaction to her beauty and charm. I was delighted to see my darling wife in a private fashion show, just for me. What I began to realize was that all this had little to do with buying beautiful, expensive things for my Sweetheart. It had everything to do with my impression of her and what I thought about her as a woman. Did I see her and notice her? Was she the center of my attention and was I interested in her? Did I place value in my loving wife or was she invisible? Was I taking her for granted? These questions are at the very heart of the female character. The answers sway the balance of her sense of value as a human being. "She shall be called woman" Adam proclaimed in the garden, because she was "taken out of man". She does not respond to life as a man, she is different. She is to be valued and adored. She is precious. The Apostle Peter says she is to be "honored and delighted in" (1Pet 3:7). Our wives are to be held with delicate hands as if they are a valuable crystal vase or a precious gift of great worth. Not as if she might break if squeezed too hard. On the contrary; according to Proverbs 31 she is shrewd and diligent. She works hard long hours to provide for her family, she won't crack under pressure. But she needs affirmation. A little girl dances before her Daddy not to display her dancing skills but to be noticed. She needs to know deep in her heart that her life has value. Don't get me wrong. I didn't plan this out with meticulous thought and motive. God arranged the steps of this dance as if choreographing an elegant waltz. Through His sovereign holiness He has allowed me to surround my bride with affection. I have seen my wife emerge from the shadows of hiding into the radiant, outspoken, and strong woman described in Proverbs 31. She is "worth far more than diamonds. I (ss) trust her without reserve, and I (ss) never have reason to regret it." (vs.10-11 The Message) Rarely do Patty & I return from our shopping adventures with bags full and wallets empty. But almost always we arrive home with full hearts woven together in unity through communication. Hours of one-on-one conversation, holding hands, and kissing; looking at each other without distraction recalling the reasons we fell in love. That's what it's all about, oneness. Showing my wife that I value her is the simplest way of connecting my heart with hers, and often leads to a physical connection. That's what God wants for every marriage…oneness. I encourage you today, don't settle for mediocrity. Pursue excellence, excitement, and real connection in your marriage. She is Bone of My Bones and Flesh of My FleshPosted by: Stan 12/07/2010 @ 06:00am "But for Adam there was not found a helper comparable to him. And the LORD God caused a deep sleep to fall on Adam, and he slept; and He took one of his ribs, and closed up the flesh in its place. Then the rib which the LORD God had taken from man He made into a woman, and He brought her to the man. And Adam said: "This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man." Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed." Genesis 2:20-25 NKJV In Genesis chapter 2 God introduces the first couple, Adam & Eve. And according to Chapter 3, verse 6 they were in fact married. So Adam & Eve were the first married couple and we should understand that their relationship (before "the fall") was His perfect design for all future marriages. God doesn't make mistakes! He doesn't do "random"... In Genesis 2:22 God said Eve was "taken out of the man" NIV. And earlier we read that Adam was formed (or created) from the "dust of the Earth" NIV. But here, Eve was "taken out of the man". Don't miss this! There is a connection that God wants us to see and understand between the man and his wife that is vastly overlooked. Eve was a physical part of Adam, as a vital organ. Adam exclaims "Here is someone like me! She is part of my body, my own flesh and bones. She came from me, a man. So I will name her Woman!" (Genesis 2:23 CEV) She was not directly formed from the "dust of the Earth", she was "taken out of the man". I want you to realize that you and your spouse are not simply "one", you are according to God, "one body". My conviction is that when we choose to marry, God supernaturally bonds us with our spouse in the same way Adam and Eve were bonded together. Adam and Eve were from the same flesh and bone. They had the same DNA. Most importantly they had a spiritual connection with each other… and with God. When you stand at the altar and say "I do", God creates that same spiritual connection between you and your spouse; as Jesus said, "and the two will become one flesh. So they are no longer two, but one flesh" (Matt 19:5-6NIV). Again, in Genesis 2:24, "That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh" NIV. Why? Because verse 23 says, "…she was taken out of man". They are one flesh, and one body. They are connected, joined, and coupled together. The Message translation renders Jesus' words in Matthew 19:5, "…no longer two bodies but one". You see, in God's eyes, we are in fact just that; one. Husbands; accept the fact that you and your spouse are "one body". Understand the attraction your wife has toward you even when there is conflict. Have you ever wondered why she keeps pursuing even when there's discord and division between you. She needs to be affirmed, wanted, desired, and above all… valued. Your wife longs to be with you. She naturally has a very deep desire to know you intimately. It's in her nature, in her DNA. She desperately needs to be one with you physically, emotionally, and spiritually. And here it is… the reason is because originally she was "taken out of you"! She wants to be one with you because she came from you. No one can change that fact; no matter what emotional conflict or physical distance is between you. Guys… realize this; your wife is a vital part of your body, just as any of your vital organs. You are designed to be together. It's God's design and intention from the beginning. Let her in. Allow your wife into your heart. Men... She belongs there. Wives; be patient with your husbands. Accept the fact that he is incomplete without you. God said in Genesis 2:18 "It is not good for the man to be alone" NIV. Realize that in conflict and disagreement your husband is at a huge disadvantage. He is alone, and that is "not good" according to God. He needs a helper… even in conflict. He may not realize it, but he needs you. He needs… his woman, and he desperately needs your unconditional respect (even in conflict). If you withhold respect from him by belittling and criticizing, the oneness you desire is impossible. Understand that your husband's greatest need is respect. Without respect from you (his own wife), likely he will live out his life in a limited, restricted, and crippled state of irritability. It will be much more difficult for him to become the complete man God created him to be. You belong with your husband because you are part of him. You're made from him. You are to be together because that's God's design and intention from the beginning. Wives... Be your husband's helper, he needs you. Why does a man leave his father and mother and cleave to his wife? Because, as married couples, we are one. Because it's in our DNA to be together. No matter how much we allow our culture, personalities, gender differences, and selfishness to tear us apart, the need and longing to be together cannot be broken. In Mark 10:9 Jesus elaborates on Genesis 2 by revealing His intent; "Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate". I plead with you to be together. Make it happen, "Whatever It Takes"! Marital Intimacy | Is it Real?Posted by: Stan 9/25/2010 @ 10:05pm Typically, from the Honeymoon through the first several months of marriage, sexual intimacy is spontaneous and easily aroused, requiring little if any forethought or planning. After that though, as weird as it may sound, sexual intimacy must be regularly cared for and maintained according to God's high standards. This "cultivating" produces a sense of safety and freedom where there is no shame or regret. Anger!Posted by: Stan 9/20/2010 @ 11:10 am Every couple struggles with anger in some way. If you're like me, you stew, like a crock pot. Something happens all of the sudden…out of the blue. Life has been good for hours, days, even weeks. Then you get a phone call, or the kids start screaming. Your college student bounced a check, for the third time! Maybe your spouse lays some obligation on you that you forgot about. You've been planning to relax for the afternoon, but the in-laws are coming over…in 10 minutes! Perhaps she looked at you the wrong way, or he ignored you when you walked into the room or house? You spent an hour and a half at the salon getting your hair done and he didn't even notice. Such is everyday life for the ordinary couple. I know you can relate, because you're human. In religious circles the term is "fallen", imperfect; it's our "sin-nature". We inherited this from Adam. Yes…that's way far back! You can't just blame your Dad, or Grandfather. That's right, that anger you carry around can be traced back to the Garden of Eden. Yea guys, it's the woman's fault! STOP! No really, the man (Adam) was standing right next to Eve when she ate the fruit. So, we can't use that excuse. The truth is, it's our fault. If you're a living breathing human being, you're guilty. You can't escape the fact that you are guilty. You must "own" your sin. My wife Patty uses the term all the time; Ownership of your faults. Until we own up to the fact that we are imperfect, we cannot move ahead. It is virtually impossible to free ourselves from the quicksand of anger until we take responsibility for our faults. "It's my fault, not hers". We're in bed together, but not together. Typically we lie down in each other's arms. Then, when I'm asleep she quietly, gently, disentangles herself from my arms to put a little distance between us. Otherwise we wake up an hour or so later in pools of sweat. Not tonight. I'm lying on my side (actually at the edge) with my back turned to her. She's doing the same. We're listening to each other's breathing…trying to be really quiet like we're falling asleep. Fact is, nobody's sleeping until the air has cleared. The inevitable conversation is playing out in my mind and I'm screaming…"I NEED SLEEP! Can't we just talk tomorrow, let it blow over, sleep on it"? She's doing the same. Her conversation is something like this, "Why won't he talk to me, how can he just fall asleep when we aren't connected"? We toss and turn. Here are some points to remember about anger I learned from Gary Smalley:
All emotions fall into two categories; Fear, or Love. Fear leads to angriness. Love defeats anger. Think about it the next time you feel the emotion of anger. Are you fearful of something deep down in your soul? Are you afraid of loneliness, isolation, or rejection? Maybe it's the simple fear of failure or misunderstanding. These emotions are all part of being human and God is not surprised by them. He designed us with these emotions. The problem is when we decide to respond to fear with anger instead of humility and thankfulness. All trials are good and have the potential for growth. If you are Christian you should desire spiritual growth and maturity. That's what God desires for you. That's why He allows trials and hardships. That's why we just don't get along all the time. We need trials and disagreements to make us more like Him. So trials are good. They're not easy, but they are good. So I roll over and say to her (grudgingly – I'm being honest), "Ok, let's talk". She's weeping, yea, those tears of loneliness when I don't have words and she knows it. She breaks the silence by rehearsing the events of how we arrived at this place of isolation. We're on opposite sides of a ten foot wall. Patty is always the one to pursue until we talk through it. The "issue" is really not the issue. Pride, arrogance, stubbornness, or selfishness, describes the issue every time. It's never anything that really matters to the well-being of our marriage. She talks, and talks, and talks. I complain, and complain, and complain. Finally (you'd think I would learn by now), my pride and stubbornness breaks. Conviction overwhelms my soul and the Holy Spirit says to me – "ITS NO BIG DEAL, LET IT GO"! And I do, and we embrace. I say I'm sorry and it's no big deal. I wipe the tears away and ask her forgiveness. She does, we hug, get together, fall asleep…and sweat. I am really focused on building my knowledge and experience in defeating an angry attitude. If you would like to learn more about your own anger and how to deal with it in a lasting effective way, join us October 10th, 2010 for a DVD series by Gary Smalley and Ted Cunningham called "From Anger to Intimacy". Anger destroys intimacy in marriages. Oneness will not be achieved until anger is dealt with. The class takes an in-depth look at anger and how it takes the closeness out of a relationship. But with humor and Godly wisdom, Gary and Ted give us tools to rise above the despair of an angry marriage. We will meet for 6 weeks on Sunday evenings beginning October 10th, 2010 at Shadowbrook Church in Suwanee, GA. For details click on the "Events" tab, or send an email to info@PassionateSpouse.com Hope to see you there! Controlling Personality? My Enemy?Posted by: Stan 7/16/2010 @ 7:30 amDo you struggle with a controlling personality? As men, it is difficult to admit that we need help. It's very tough to hear and embrace the idea, yet we must embrace it if we are to grow and mature in Christ. In fact, we must embrace Christ Himself as our Helper, as our Redeemer! Men, we cannot go-it-alone any longer! Boys enter the world with an instinctive desire and ability to take command; a determination to get the job done; to put aside our emotions and take charge. This trait becomes very useful in military battles and emergency situations. During the heat of battle when the enemy is hurling artillery in our direction and we must act, there is no time to evaluate ideas and differing opinions. So, we choose a swift and (hopefully) successful tactic to mitigate the problem, to destroy the enemy. We don't take advice or ideas from subordinates and take time to evaluate all possible outcomes. We act. A choice must be made or lives could be lost! Not so in our Christian walk. And not so in marriage. We as men; as leaders of our household, must not act alone! We cannot pilot the family ship without help. We cannot escort our wives and children through the minefield of life without leaning on the One who paves the way. We have to admit our dependence on Christ to guide us and direct us if we are to succeed in our commission. Ouch! In Romans Chapter 7 Paul laments, "So if I can't be trusted to figure out what is best for myself and then do it, it becomes obvious that God's command is necessary. But I need something more! For if I know the law but still can't keep it, and if the power of sin within me keeps sabotaging my best intentions, I obviously need help! I realize that I don't have what it takes. I can will it, but I can't do it." [TM] Frankly, our insecurity is at the root of our problem. Our own selfishness is at work night and day waging war with what we know is right. Call it what it is. Sin. Exodus 20:3 "You shall have no other gods before me." [NIV] We put our own flesh above Christ. Our own desires and ideas supercede Christ's desire to be first in our lives. Our flesh struggles to be number one...and as Paul describes...the battle rages. In marriage we see this flaw surface when a spouse struggles to "fix" the other by controlling and manipulating in order to effect a desired result or outcome. The controlling spouse assumes that they have all the right answers to life and that everyone should see the world from the same viewpoint. Everything is black-and-white. However, by giving in to this selfish nature we exclude the One who knows all. Paul says we need help, we don't have all the answers, we don't have what it takes! Ouch...again! Instead of trying to "fix" your spouse (who most likely is not broken), focus on your own faults. Pray that God will reveal the flaws in you. Pray that God will repair your own brokenness. When you follow this path you may be amazed at what is uncovered. You may be surprised at what God reveals about your own shortsightedness.
Let go and allow God to work in others, especially your spouse! His Spirit is fully capable of teaching and guiding his children. He does not need your help to give Him advice. I encourage you to read the 7th and 8th chapters of the book of Romans. Read it over and over until you begin to understand your own helplessness. Discover the freedom there is when you let go of others, get out of the way, and let God accomplish His will. Do you deserve...anything?Posted by: Stan 7/9/2010 @ 12:30 pmDo you ever wake up with pain? It could be emotional pain, or it could be physical pain. Or, like most days here in America, you wake up with very little or no pain. Life is good, right? Either way, do you ever wonder if you deserve one or the other? I do... I believe we don't deserve anything but suffering and judgment, even for the "good" we do. The prophet Isaiah wrote that "We're all sin-contaminated. Our best efforts are grease-stained rags." TM Sometimes I think just because I did some "good deed", and then my day turns out nicely, that it's because of the "good deed" I've done. That's TOTALLY wrong, and originates from my selfish, conceited heart! No good deed warrants any blessing from God. He blesses simply because He loves me. That's it...Period. Everything I do that God determines to be "good" can only be the work of the Holy Spirit in me. My heart is wicked and rotten. It cannot produce anything good in God's sight. If I attribute blessings with "good" deeds in my life I'm really saying that I deserve blessing from God. Then when blessing doesn't come for whatever reason, I feel like God owes me something (for my good deed). The book of Job illustrates this principle perfectly. God is the only One who hands out blessings. And He does to whoever, and whenever He wants. Take time to read the story of Job. Do you deserve anything from God, whether blessing or cursing. Certainly God allows us to suffer consequences for the bad we do, but do we really deserve blessing? Finally, to connect this with Marriage... Do you deserve anything from your spouse? Patty blesses me with favor because she loves me. I don't deserve her love and respect, I'm unlovable and disrespectful; my heart is continually deceptive and self serving. Yet, out of her love for me (just like Jesus' love for me), she blesses and serves me. Do you "expect" blessing and favor from your spouse? Or, like Jesus, will you choose to bless and not curse... Think about it... How should I love my wife?Posted by: Stan 7/7/2010 @ 9:56 pmIn a word; SELFLESSLY. Until we crucify self we will be unable to love selflessly. Self and selfless cannot coexist in our lives. Galatians 2:20 – read it. Stop trying to work your-“self” to death in order to please God. If you have trusted Jesus as your personal Savior, you are as close to God as you can get! That’s right. So just stop! Trust God to direct your path and walk in it. Stop trying to impress God. If you can grasp that concept, you are ready to love your wife as Christ loves the church. - Give up, Give in, Let go- Don’t fight back, Don’t talk back - Listen to his/her opinion - Try to understand - Relax - Look at the BIG picture…is it really that important? - Stop keeping score Release you spouse from the shackles of past failures and disappointments! Christ doesn’t hold anything over your head, why do you think you have a right to with your spouse? Read Matthew 18: 21-35, and observe what happened to the unforgiving servant! Wow!
I know, that’s some tough stuff. But, unless we can crucify our “self” with Christ…daily, we cannot love our spouse as Christ loves the church.
Again, look at the BIG PICTURE of your life and decide what is really important. I encourage you to examine yourself and find out what your motives are. If they are selfish, repent and ask God to change your selfish heart. If your motives are selfless and directed toward meeting your spouse’s needs, great! Encourage others to do likewise; you are an awesome testimony of God’s goodness. How is everyone else using your time?Posted by: Stan 3/15/2010 @ 7:50 pmDoes your marriage relationship feel empty, unfulfilling, and honestly…boring? When you are all alone and quiet do you sometimes wonder, "what's the point of it all"? You don't really argue with your spouse, and there are no really big "issues". But there is very little or no energy. No excitement. Does this describe your marriage? We all go through "seasons" in our marriage relationships. Remember when you stood at the altar and said your vows? Your desire was to be there for him/her, but now you just can't seem to find the time (much less the physical energy) to keep your word; and it really bothers you! Maybe you didn't say all the traditional lines, but the idea was there…"for better or for worse, rich or poor, in sickness and in health". I think there should be another vow called "in exciting seasons and in mundane seasons". The seasons in our life that are ordinary, dull, routine, commonplace, and downright boring for weeks, months, and sometimes even years. Seasons when responsibilities like paying bills, raising and launching children, church service, aging parents, car problems, house problems, and job problems take every ounce of mental and physical energy just to keep your head above water. You feel as if the oxygen in your lungs is being relentlessly sucked out! You ask yourself questions like… How in the world can I "make it happen"? Is this all there is to marriage? This isn't the way I saw it happening in my mind! What happened to the fun part of this marriage relationship? Maybe it's time you re-evaluate who's in control of your time – you, or everyone else? I've been reading a book called BOUNDARIES by Cloud and Townsend. It's one of those books that don't necessarily catch your eye at first glance. The title doesn't jump off the cover as you glance over the bookshelf. But once you read the first few pages you will begin to feel a blast of oxygen! The book was suggested by a close friend and mentor of mine and Patty. The authors make it clear that just as in protecting physical boundaries with fences and property lines; we are responsible for our own spiritual, emotional, psychological, and relational boundaries. In other words, when jobs, children, parents, friends, and church encroach upon our time; we must protect our boundaries. It is our own fault when we feel overwhelmed and over burdened. We often blame the things that are demanding our time and energy for the anxiety we feel. In fact, the blame should be directed at ourselves. The authors go on to explain how establishing boundaries is not wrong, un-caring, or sinful. Establishing one's own boundaries can be the most loving and caring thing we can do. Methodically they lead the reader down a path toward freedom based on God's Word. No more guilt trips placed upon you! No longer will you feel like you have to be everywhere all the time. Your schedule will be opened up to new and wonderful opportunities to cultivate and nourish the most important relationships in life. Your marriage will be refreshed with new opportunities to experience the next level of oneness. You will finally have time for real intimacy. Your children will have Mom or Dad back. Your family, boss, friends, and co-workers will begin to respect you for actually saying "no" to their demands. They will have to take responsibility for their own boundaries. The fact is, if you read this book you will develop a since of freedom you may have never known! I encourage you to take the plunge, read the book! Why Not?Posted by: Stan 3/9/2010 @ 6:15 am- Tell her "I love you" - Kiss her more often... - Touch her... a lot! - Look her in the eyes and listen. - Take a walk together. - Ask her out on a date. - Go on that "Couples Getaway" - Suprise her with flowers. - Write her a personal note and place it under her pillow. - "Make out"...again. Maybe its been a long time? - Hold her hand. - Open the car door for her. - Do something different, even outrageous to show your love for her. - Let your imagination wander, be creative and live! James 4:14 says, "Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes." (NIV) *** Life is so short! Think about it... *** OK Guys! Have you made any plans for Valentine's Day this year?Posted by: Stan 2/2/2010 @ 7:06 amThis is Stan's challenge to all you "un-romantics" out there to do the un-thinkable. Go ahead and plan a romantic date with your wife for the weekend of Valentine's Day. Yea, she might say "I don't care about that", or "you don't need to bring me flowers", or "I don't need any of that stuff". But, believe me, she'll be impressed that you did it anyway! I know, its on the actual day of the Daytona 500, how could they schedule Valentine's Day on the day of the greatest race of all? Well, they did... and there's nothing we can do about it. The fact is, if you go all out for your lady on that day and make the sacrifice, that will leave a far greater impression on her than if you neglect it. Take her out to dinner, have flowers for her, leave your blackberry at home, turn off the TV/computer for the evening. Look her in the eyes and tell her "I love You"! Make it her special day to have all your attention. You've done it in the past guys. I know you have because she said, "Yes"... Need some help with what to do? You'll find all kinds of "cheap" dates @ www.theromantic.com Make a dinner reservation online @ www.opentable.com Make the plunge guys! Also, If any of you guys (or girls) would like to help out with ideas for dates, you can send suggestions to me here. Just add "Date Suggestion" in the subject line of your email and I will post it on this page... What is your definition of Marriage?Posted by: Stan 2/1/2010 @ 7:13 amIn my opinion Marriage is definately a "covenant" between God, myself, and my wife. When I vowed to love my wife, protect her, cherish her, in sickness and in health, for better or for worse, etc., it was a decision of my brain and heart. What I mean is that when I don't "feel" in love, that doesn't change the fact of my decision at the alter. Do you think that Jesus "felt" like enduring the cross while He was hanging on it? Do you think Jesus "felt" in love with His children when he was being beaten before the trial? When we go through the adversities of life that will surely come, often we don't "feel" in love. So, all I'm saying is that love is not based on "feelings". It's not about our happiness, it's all about His Holiness! Just because you don't feel in love doesn't mean you should give up on your marriage. I believe that my responsibility to my wife is modeled by how Jesus loves me. In all my ugliness, selfishness, stubborness, etc., He continues to love and care for me. That's how I'm to love my wife, it's as simple as that. You might say, "well you don't know my wife/husband"! No I don't know them, I only know Patty my own wife as far as marriage goes; and by the way, she is the most loving person in the world! How do I know that? Because I know how ugly and selfish I can be, yet she continues to show love toward me. Here's the important thing: It's easy to love when everything is going good, but that won't last. "Life happens", as the saying goes. The only way I can love my wife through adversities is to put my trust completely in the Lord Jesus Christ. When I look through Patty to Christ as the source of my fulfillment, then it is no longer her responsibility. It is God's responsibility through Jesus to sustain me (as long as He is my Savior). If you put your trust in man, you will ALWAYS be dissappointed! But God NEVER dissappoints! When Patty chooses to be a part of God's plan for me, that's when she is fulfilled and "happy". When I choose to be a part of God's plan for Patty, that's when I am fulfilled and "happy". When we choose to be self-less or "other-centered", that's the only time when we experience real happiness in life, especially in marriage. I like to think when Patty loves on me, God is loving on me. Patty is God's physical (or Earthly) way of showing me love, whether its the way she helps me with my responsibilities, loves and cares for our children, works beside me in our ministry and passion, and even in physical intimacy. It's the same concept as the church. The church is supposed to act as God's hands and feet in order to show His love to the lost and dying of this world. If you think of your spouse this way, you may begin to see more clearly God working in your life. He is probably paying you more attention than you realized. Your appreciation for your spouse will grow as you begin to trust God to meet your needs through your spouse. But, be careful not to trust in your spouse or you will be dissappointed. Trust in God through your spouse. That way, when he/she doesn't respond the way you imagined or hoped, you are less likely to blame them for the unhappiness you feel. You cannot change your spouse, you can only change yourself. And by changeing ourselves we can effect real change in the world. By chosing to love the (sometimes) un-loveable, as Christ loves us who are (sometimes) un-loveable, He will be exalted, and we will be changed! |